As I’ve mentioned this wasn’t the first time that the Grasshoppers had played the North Stars team. Back in 2005 the hosts had demolished the touring party so we knew we were in for a challenging match.
The ground had hosted five English county teams only weeks before but it was time for some amateurs to have a go. We were greeted at the ground by the Barbados flag flying alongside the Union Jack; they must have known Turk was making a return to the island with his matching bandana.
The wicket looked flat and the outfield baked so we hoped we would bat first and avoid the mid day sun which slowly cooks gingers like myself and Andy “Burgers” Nixon.
Indeed we won the toss and soon after Russeller and Dawson put their club rivalry between them and strutted out to the middle. For once Neil failed, falling plumb lbw. Luckily he showed maturity and took the umpire’s decision with the utmost respect that the MCC handbook teaches.
Dawsy stroked the ball well and was unlucky to be well caught of a low full toss; more hours sculpting his guns maybe needed upon return to the best-kept village (2005).
Andy Nixon was bowled shortly after trying to pull a half volley; off stump cartwheeling like the Chinese circus.
Andy Cowden replaced Nixon at the crease and built a solid 21 round a majestic Ryan Haire. Ryan clubbed a straight six that would have been six five times over at Derriaghy’s Queensway. He continues to show his class on this tour and got 76 off 66 balls; his square driving is fiercer than the locals’ after several rum and cokes.
Chocolate tourist Tetley finished the innings well with some humongous sixes off his 10lb bat. We finished on 192 from our thirty overs and took lunch in a decent position however we remembered that last time the Grasshoppers played them they had a great batting line up so we couldn’t take anything for granted.
BJ Boultwood and Mark “Ollies Murs” Stinson (a must see doppelganger) opened the bowling with immediate effect. Mark had the x-factor and tucked into North Stars more ferociously than Dawn French and Terry’s Chocolate Oranges (other chocolate oranges are on the market and the Ulster Grasshoppers in no way endorse Terrys’ Chocolate Orange).
Mark finished with career, and we think, Grasshopper-best figures of 7-38. Truly delicious considering the flatness of the track the quality of the opposition. We bowled them out for 90 much to the angst of the local support who booed and cajoled their ‘stars’.
So another win, the boys are happy, the beer is free and we are looking forward to our next game. The opposition are said to be a bunch of Conrad Hunts (I hope this isn’t Cockney slang).
Two days later we travelled up to the north of the island again for our game versus the reasonably new club, Conrad Hunt. They had supplied some Irish conditions for the match, the wicket was soft and we had regular outbursts of heavy rain, for a moment I thought we were back in the Nor-west where I have yet to play a match uninterrupted due to spells of “passion” rain.
We lost the toss and they stuck us in, how generous of them. Our openers didn’t far too well and it seemed contagious, soon we were 8-3 and looking rather foolish. The regular interruptions due to rain started to bug me; this was compounded by the local school kids who started to stroke my ginger afro like I was a birthday clown.
After blocking 70 delivers my patience ran out and I was caught at the crease playing something that barely resembled a cricket shot. My demise looked even worse when our ‘gun’ from Comber (don’t be alarmed) Ryan Haire decided to take things up a notch. Smashing it around like a Prodigy music video he raced on to 84 and was unlucky not to get a ton.
Again Cowden was there at the end to knock the ball around and we eventually got a total of 145 off our 35. When we factored in the dodgy wicket and long outfield (we nearly lost Ray McCavery on occasion) we surmised that it was defendable IF we bowled well.
We didn’t. We had a ‘shocker’ with ball in hand. Again BJ Boultwood was trying his hardest, his brain doesn’t seem to inform his body of fatigue and he was unlucky not to have a few early scalps.
Nicky McCollum, fresh off a Kit-Kat performance, kept the batsmen guessing once again. The baseball reference could be used again but in fear of sounding repetitive I will just say he bowled like an angry Stevie Wonder on acid. He did pick up a wicket with a rancid full toss but Captain Cowden had had enough and soon Nicky was grazing down at 3rd man like the Lurgan Tiger he is. Roaaar.
Zach Rushe nee Zach Callan-Rushe of Bangor came on to bowl his slow left armers. As a club team mate I am pleased to see such development in his spin thus rendering my off spin muck obsolete and saving me more embarrassment.
The opposition stuttered only once more en route to the victory target with plenty of over’s spare. We hadn’t had a good day at the office but c’est la vie, carpe diem and all that jazz. To throw another cliché in, the guys didn’t cry over spilt milk and before long the result was forgotten with the aid of several bottles of Banks.
The end is nigh, only one more game (of cricket) to play. More importantly the Grasshoppers Open at Rockley Golf Club takes place. Clarence Hiles has sorted us out with buggies and clubs so we look forward to a great day on a course which boasts 18 out of bounds holes. I’d better bring a skip full of balls…
