The day had arrived, 12 pasty (plus two who had pre-tanned but shall remain anonymous) Ulstermen arrived at the airport to embark on the Grasshoppers tour of Antigua and Barbados. Even at this early stage lessons were learnt, Jordan McKeown won’t forget his passport ever again and I won’t hit snooze more than once. As per usual the North Down contingent over-packed, deciding to bring every piece of “necessary” cricketing equipment that they owned, luckily some had pre-empted this and under-packed, so the fine was kept to a minimum.
The touring party consisted of many young “Grasshopper Virgins” as Ray McCavery described them. Much like sex, the first time is usually messy, difficult to remember but ultimately extremely enjoyable, time will tell for first-timers, David “Electric Holiday” Dawson, Ricky McLarnon, Jordan McKeown, Ross Boultwood, Ryan Haire, Mark Stinson and Nicky McCollum.
The stalwarts of Grasshoppers cricket were in attendance. The everygreen, (or should that be ever-orange?) Michael Turkington is lively as ever, dishing out anecdotes with his Ballyclare twang, which is clearly, infectious, as Skipper Andrew Cowden has adopted it along with the mannerisms and eccentric colloquialisms. Davy Haire, tour manager Neil Russell and his fellow North Down teammate Jonathan Terrett completed the party alongside myself. The guys are all veterans of tours and will no doubt pass on valuable free advice to the youngsters.
We spent the Tuesday (22nd) night in Gatwick before our morning flight to Antigua. This was to be a quiet affair and it proved to be just that for most. All that can be said is that McKeown is either allergic to Thai food or JD and coke as his body preceded to reject it in the middle of the night. Luckily roommate Ray kept his lips sealed on the matter.
The flight with Virgin Airlines was long. However eight hours sitting with fellow tourists is a good way to get to know any new-comers. Lucky for some. I landed in seat 42c and thought, “happy days, aisle seat” (as I’ve a bladder the size of Ireland’s economy) and predicted many trips to the WC. However I realised that all the gentlemen had graced their seats and I would be alone, well at least I would have ample room to spread my legs. No. Two XXXL Afro-Caribbean women would be making the eight hours unbearable for many reasons. If their food wasn’t ample or flavoured enough, the sky was too turbulent or the entertainment, not entertaining. I presumed with such small portions, and presumably such large stomachs they wouldn’t be disturbing me too often. Again. Wrong. Every time I drifted off to sleep they decided it was time.
Shortly after touching down we had collected our bags and headed to get our taxis to the beautiful beachside resort where we would be staying. At the taxi rank we experienced our first Caribbean experience. The Police officer said that our (Flairso and Turk’s) incessant photographing was a danger to national security. Apparently this is in response to 9/11. At the same time a local guy in a battered Range Rover pulled up to collect my two flight neighbours. It was typically hot so we can all forgive the driver for drinking a cold tin of Heineken whilst at the wheel, even the local PC thought it appropriate. “Looped” as Turk succinctly described it.
The resort is beautiful, located right on the beach with a reception that can only be described as the set for Benidorm. Most importantly the place is all-inclusive, this has massive potential and the beachside bar makes getting a round in very easy.
On Wednesday we had a net session at the Sir Vivian Richard’s Ground where we will play two matches whilst on the island. The stadium was built for the World Cup back in 2007 and is highly impressive, one did wonder how it ever got built with such a laid-back approach but nonetheless it was something to be proud of. The nets were lively, they weren’t what we had expected, slow and unpredictable, it felt like we were back in Eaton Park. However it helped us acclimatise to the heat and our skipper thought a “conditioning” session at the end would counter-balance the copious amounts of all-inclusive beer and food…Again we experienced more typical West Indian behaviour from our driver who showed up over an hour late to collect us. When he arrived it transpired that he waited on his two daughters finishing school before he would come get us. This gave McCavery et al ample time to write up a short list for the evening’s fines meeting. The meeting was aptly held on the beach and the new finesmasters decided to add the task of spin round a stump several times before consuming the punishments. Nicky McCollum and Ross Boultwood failed the task of keeping their punishments down which isn’t entirely surprising considering the punishments imposed upon them.
After the meeting a group of us decided to head back to Sir Viv’s ground to check out some of the opposition (Antigua A) who were hosting the Royal Legistics Corps cricket side. A quick look at the wicket suggested it would be flat and quicker than what we were used to. The bowling was mixed, a few sharp openers and a few dodgy spinners whose pies took a few cheap wickets. Standard cricket really. The RLC lost by around 50 runs in the twenty20 match which drew in a bit of a crowd, fingers crossed the crowd we conjure up see us leaving as victors.
Most of the squad met in Coast “nightclub” who were hosting a karaoke night. We all had the pleasure of hearing Boultwood’s version of Jason Mraz, I’m Yours. He claimed to be good. 2/10 would be a generous rating. Russeller’s rendition of The Masterplan won him a bottle of local rum, next fines meeting could be reminiscent of Paul Stafford, Mumbai, 2009.
Today (Friday 25th) is our last rest day before tomorrow’s clash with a local side, Jennings CC at the Sir Viv. Plans of banana boating and jet-skiing followed by more gorging and even more free beers (levels dependent on whether playing or not) are promising. Most of the party are in a good shape, especially young Turkington who didn’t make it out last night, either the effect of being ‘mature’ or copious amounts of free beer could be the reason.
I would like to end the first report with a special mention to the “Barbados 3” who decided, for one reason or another, to only join for the second leg of the tour. Zach Rushe, Andy Nixon and Ben McKnight, don’t worry, you would hate this place, 30 degrees, cold beer and more free food than Michelle McManus’ daily consumption. Look forward to seeing you all next week.
Mark Nixon
